Friday, October 22, 2010
Welcome to my rut
I am very involved in my doctors office it is a huge place and I constantly have people asking me questions... How did you do so well? Why can't I succeed like you did? What do you eat? How much physical activity do you do? Yesterday I hit rock bottom. I felt overwhelmed and just totally helpless. I feel like I am not helping people the way I should. I feel at a loss of words these days. Yes I did very well in the beginning and lost 100 pounds quick, but the last 5 months I have only lost about 30 pounds. I know some of you are like 130 and you are complaining. Let me tell you I am not complaining at all. I am so happy with myself. I feel like I have finally accomplished something on my own. I am steadily losing never gaining, but still not double digits every month anymore. I know it gets harder, but some people think I am perfect, and a pro at this banding thing. I am gonna put it out there to the whole world that I am not a pro. It is a life long struggle that I have to deal with every single day of my life. Just like everyone else that is going through this same process. I signed up knowing that I have to change my life forever. Its all about the choices we make 24 hours a day. When I cheat I admit it. and I do cheat. ha.. I have always been a people pleaser, but the past year I have worked so hard at improving myself that I have tried to constantly do what Gail wants to do, but deep down I still have the need to want to fix everyone. I get emails, texts, and phone calls from people and I want to fix them. I know I can't do it, but I get depressed that I lost so much weight, and I feel helpless when I dont have the right words to say. I had dinner with a good friend last night, and she said "Gail you can't fix no one but yourself." I know this, but I can't seem to get out of this rut. I have never really been the one to ask for help. I always listen to everyone and try to help them. So again this is huge for me. Angie the lady I went to dinner with last night used to be in a small group I used to have on Monday night months ago she even brought up the fact that at the beginning of those groups I would never talk about my self, but the leader Kristie did so well for me pushing me to open up. That was the creation of this new change in myself. I miss her and that group time so much. So now I am reaching out to you guys.
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My beautiful Gail, I was actually reading this when you wrote on my facebook wall...there is no such thing as conincidence.
ReplyDeleteHere is what I have to say. When I was leaving Tracey and really struggling with the idea that I needed to stay with him bc he "needed" me and I could save him from a very sad life, Gilly emailed me and said "You have a God complex Amy. You want to save everyone. Sometimes people have to save themselves". It is something that really hit me and made me say...damn that Gilly...she is right. And for you, where are are right now, its not about saving a relationship, but its about feeling like you are that "rockstar"...its almost like transference isnt it? You gave of yourself before the band, and now you are giving of yourself because of the band. I dont need to tell you or anyone who reads these blogs that for those of us who lost the weight, we tend to be the essence of hope. You remember what it was like when you were just starting out. Seeing people who the band had worked for was almost unreal and it was inspiring. So as far as wanting to help other or potential bandsters, you are doing it sweet pea. And it doesnt mean posting deep posts all the time. It means failing but getting back up. It means posting about the highs, the lows, and everything else.
Some of us will always be those people pleasers. I sometimes wish I wasn't. That I could turn it off and care less. Others do it right? But I never can do it. And when my mind is clear, I know that I dont really want to be one of those people who can turn it off...bc what makes us US, is that ability.
And as for the slower weight loss. Well shit...that's just the ballgame sister. Pull out a fat picture. Compare. See how far you have come. Go back and read your first posts. See how the things you wished for are happening. You will get to where you need to go. Be thankful for how quickly you lost to begin with. There are others who certainly did not.
Keep you chin up. Rememeber that making yourself happy and being truly content is the best gift you can give to others in your life.
Hugs baby. If I were there, we could go take a shot of Patron and let skeezie guys at a bar oggle us.
Your friend in the trenches-
Amy
Gail, I am totally sending you a hug. You've done incredibly, and you look great. Right now, you're losing slowly. There is nothing wrong with that -- you're never going to lose as fast as when you started.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you can tell people is that it's normal -- and a good thing -- to have plateaus or periods of slower loss on this journey. It gives your skin -- and your head -- a chance to catch up.
My suggestion to you is to step it up on the exercise front. Time to do something more challenging and rigorous than whatever you've been doing up to now. That will help get you the rest of the way. Just do it. :)
Oh Gail - you're going to be okay. Amy is right - you can't fix anyone but you. And you don't have to. You are here to be Gail - not to solve the world's problems. Easier said than done but true. You inspire with saying or doing a thing - just by being you. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteGail,
ReplyDeleteYou are, and always will be my personal "rock star"! And, I'm sorry but it has very little to do with how much weight you have lost, are losing and will lose. YOU are an inspiration because of your spirit. YOU have always been a beautiful, vibrate, exciting person and now it is coming to the surface for those who could only see the physical you. I can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster this journey is for you, but please don't doubt the impact you are making on everyone around you. YOU are a rare gift to this world!! Don't take it away from us by thinking you need to change.
Hugs and Love,
Kathy
Wow! This is a really powerful post. After reading Amy's reply, I think she may be on to something. It sounds like you are putting all this pressure on yourself and others are putting it on you too. It is definately related to being people pleasers and fixers. Keep exploring this. This is really important.
ReplyDeleteWhen I went to driving school after a very expensive speeding ticket they told me something that has stuck with me, a reforming People Pleaser. They told me that I am in only in control of myself and my vehicle when I am out on the highway and that I have no control over what all those other people driving do. And this is how life is. We try to help everyone but in the process we lose ourselves. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting ourselves first for a change. You can't control what the rest of us decide to put in our mouths. We all cheat sometimes. We are human and food is a very easy commodity to secure. It is not like drugs where you have to work to get it. It is all around us and we all need to eat. So if you slip up once in a while, good for you. The rest of us do too. The key to being a good friend is to be there to brush us off and help us back up when we fall down. But don't do that by sacrificing yourself. You should be very proud of all you have accomplished. Don't let others make you feel bad about that. You don't control what the other people eat. They do. Love you loads and I hope you can pull yourself out of this rut and take a look back at how far you have come on this journey and give yourself a break.
ReplyDeleteWow! Timing is everything, eh? I have been "coaching" 2 of my dear friends about the band. One of them had surgery last month and another will have it in Jan. I wouldn't say I am a pro by any means, but I get by. I can only tell them what works for me. That's all. I want everyone to be a successful as I am....as you do too. I does feel like a a lot of pressure at times. I was on the phone for an hour with each of them today. I am honored that they seek my advice, I just hope I don't say the wrong thing!
ReplyDeleteI am hereby giving you the permission that you need to give yourself to focus on YOU. You're doing fine, but refocusing on yourself can never hurt. You've gotten great advice above so I won't go on and on-- but it is OK to put yourself back in front and do what you need to do to continue.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are progressing!!!